I feel kinda weird writing about myself on here since I never write anything anymore. (Even though the sole original purpose of this blog was to have a place to put my writing)
So, a month and a half into my new medication and I can honestly say that I have seen improvements already. I will admit that I was super hesitant to even go to the doctor, because ever since my Crohn’s went into remission 7 years ago I told myself I was done with any kind of medication. So for months I debated calling my doctor, then would make an appointment only to bail on it. Finally I got the nerve up to actually go because I realized that sometimes we cant just “wait it out” and that if this were any other ailment it would be silly for me to be like “Oh I don’t need to see a doctor, this will just go away on its own I’ll be okay I just need to tough it out.”
I think a bigger issue for me though, was actually accepting the fact that there was something wrong with me. No one wants to admit that they have any kind of mental illness, and depression has such a stigma of people being like “Oh you’re just kinda sad get over it.” Or “You’re just saying you’re depressed to get attention.” (This is a huge part of the reason I have not told more than 5 people in my life, two of whom are my parents and one of whom is on the same stuff I am, what exactly I’m taking.) Add that to the fact that I have always responded to things in an overly emotional way and any time that made my dad mad he would respond with something like “You’re so fucked up in the head” or “There is something seriously wrong with you, you’ve got some kind of mental illness or something” and you have a recipe for a person who doesn’t see going on anti-depressants as seeking help so much as admitting defeat.
My doctor said that it would take about 2 months for the medicine to get fully in my system, but that I could start seeing improvements before that. One of the things that I’ve noticed is that I no longer use music as a weapon against myself. (which is something I did fairly regularly at the height of my depressive episodes) I know that sounds like a weird thing to say, but music has always had such a strong influence on me that I knew exactly what to listen to to make me feel even unhappier whenever I was feeling down about myself or my life. Now I can listen to those types of songs and instead of digging myself in to an emotional pit, I can just appreciate the music for what it is. Unfortunately for me I haven’t been able to rid myself of all of my self-destructive tendencies (I still have moments where I am just as bad as my depression when it comes to making myself feel worthless) but I guess overcoming that will just come with time and effort on my part.
I’m still not 100% happy with where my life is right now, but I mean is anyone ever completely content with where they are? I’m working on getting as close to 100% as I can though, and I won’t stop trying. One thing that I am considering changing in my life is that I might start looking at dating again. I have never been the type of person who felt the “need” to have a significant other, but I feel like right now there is only so much I can do by myself and that my life would feel so much more fulfilling if I had someone to walk next to and share my grow with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to just latch on to the first person who comes my way and wants to date me; I’m still going to make sure that I have a real connection with that person. It’s just that up until now I had not seriously been looking for a romantic partner. I feel like now that I’ve finally decided to focus on myself, and have been able to respect myself enough to admit when I need help, I can finally begin looking for someone to share in my crazy, messy, but definitely getting better, life.
It’s easier for me to be optimistic now, I used to feign optimism, but I never really felt it. I learned a long tie ago how to be happy for/towards everyone else, but now I am finally figuring out how to be happy for/towards myself. I am in no way close to being done with this journey, but I’ve made the first few strides and I think that it’s one heck of a start.
Love, peace, and pancakes,
Miss Kaytie Marie