It’s 3 am

I have to be awake in 4 hours

and I can’t get my music loud enough

to drown out my demons.

I can’t tell if I want the noise to make me feel something

(besides this aching in my chest for you)

or if I want it to keep me from feeling at all.

I am drowning
and I’m not sure
if I want you to save me,
or hold me under
until I stop breathing.

Today is quickly turning into one of my darker days. A combination of the dreams I had last night and my impeccable ability to drown in self loathing are going to make this a hard day to rise up out of. The good thing is though, the part of me that hates myself the most is good for writing so maybe I’ll get something of some worth written.

On a slightly related note, I’ve realized that I haven’t actually become a better person. I’ve just become better at hiding how terrible of a human being I am. Go me.

I wish I could say all I wanted was to spend just one sunrise with you

but I know as soon as it was over I would crave another.

I know my heart well enough to say that I could die here with you every night

if it meant we’d be together for one more sunrise.

Just one more sunrise.

Now that I’ve finished Battlestar Galactica I can finally go through the tags on Tumblr and not have to worry about it spoiling the series for me!!

I can’t believe I’m actually having a panic attack about going on a date. I think I’m going to die.

So long now have I slumbered in my restless dreamless sleep.
—————————————————-
While every moment my heart is made to wait instead of beating.
—————————————————-
My lips are left to crave the brush of yours, that you might come and wake me.
—————————————————-
Slip me out of this glass tombed life into a more beautiful existence.
—————————————————-
Bring me softly to my feet and bid my lungs to draw new breath.
—————————————————-
I am ever waiting Love, for you to come and rescue me.

She had the stunning realization that listening to beautiful music and being in love were very much the same feeling. So when people told her she needed to find a nice boy, she decided to save her heart the trouble. And she found a nice orchestra instead.

I’m bad at a lot of things

well most all of them really.

Love especially,

but we won’t get into that.

It’s too long and complicated

and to hear me tell it is rather boring.

So I guess I’ll just leave it at

“I’m bad at stuff.”

I’m afraid I’m really bad at this

and I’ll probably make a fool of myself.

But apparently the world is ending in nine days

so if I get turned down who cares?

At least I can take comfort 

in the fact

that Cthulhu is probably going to eat us all.

Or something like that.